Translating the State of the Union

Despite his supposedly renouned oratory skills, it's sometimes difficult to understand exactly what President Obama is talking about.  To facilitate better communication of some of the finer nuances of his State of the Union Address, I've provided the following translation.

Obama on green energy:
I know we have abundant resources of coal, oil, and natural gas here in America, which we could use right now for cheap, profitable, private-sector, no-government-spending-(er, I mean "investing"), job-creating energy.  But if we do that, we'll release more plant food into the atmosphere -- the horror!  So instead, I want to spend (er, I mean "invest") billions of tax dollars on alternative "green energy".  Sure, "green energy" has been an economic disaster everywhere it's been tried, killing 2 regular jobs for every "green" job created, but hey, it'll mean less plant food in the atmosphere!  Oh, and those billions of dollars spent (er, I mean invested) will actually be borrowed from China, and payed back 3 times over in interest by our children and grandchildren.  But making those payments will be tricky because switching to "green energy" will double our electric bills and slow our economy.  But it'll be worth it to get rid of that plant food!

Obama on the deficit:
I just got finished raising government spending to an all-time-high, and now I want to freeze it there! Suckers!

Obama on the economy:
Look guys, I know in my first year of office I promised that if you passed my trillion dollar stimulus bill, it would create millions of new jobs and keep the unemployment rate under 6%.  I also know that I promised that if we did nothing, the unemployment rate would go all the way to 8%.  And I know that after you passed my stimulus bill, unemployment skyrocketed to 10%, and it has stayed there for 2 years.  You could say we'd be better off if we'd done nothing.  And I know that my stimulus bill was filled with spending on infrastructure and "green jobs".  Now stay with me here... today I want to do exactly the same thing again!  It'll work this time, I promise.

Obama on health care:
I heard today that 27 states are suing the government to stop Obamacare, and the House just voted to repeal it by a wider margin than they voted to pass it.  And my local SEIU, which donated over $20 million to my campaign, applied for and got an Obamacare waiver.  Maybe it's because the bill will do none of the things I promised it would.  Maybe it's because I totally misidentified the problems with our health care system, and now my bill is causing costs to go up instead of down, and coverage to get worse instead of better.  But it's still a good bill, because it spends half a trillion dollars and taxes even more!  Come on, tax and spend, what's not to like?

Obama on the Internet:
I propose spending tax dollars to give wireless Internet to every American, because the real reason our economy is growing so slowly is because not enough people have access to Facebook.

Obama on taxes:
When I say we passed tax cuts in December, what I mean is I tried to pass a tax increase and was blocked by Republicans.  But I promise if I get my way, you'll get your tax increase! Oh, and taxes aren't about punishing success; they're about giving your money to me, because no one knows how to spend it better than people who didn't earn it!

Obama on earmarks:
I just got finished signing every record-setting earmark-laden bill the Democratic Congress sent to my desk these past two years, despite my campaign promise to ban earmarks.  But now that Congress is controlled by Republicans, my promise is renewed!

Obama on education:
I want schools to compete for money! No, I don't mean "school choice". *I* need to be the one who decides the winner.  Sure, letting consumers decide winners works for everything else, but things will be much better if politicians and bureaucrats decide where the money goes for our public schools.  I mean, it's worked so far, right? 

Obama on college tuition:
Look, everyone knows the only reason college tuition keeps going up is because colleges know the government will just pick up the tab with taxpayer dollars.  That's why I'm proposing we pick up even more of the tab.  It's not like it's a vicious circle or anything.

Obama on illegal immigration:
The people who break our laws by entering our country illegally, and consume tens of thousands of taxpayer dollars by enrolling their children in our taxpayer-funded schools, need to be rewarded!  Let's make their kids U.S. citizens.  It certainly won't encourage more illegal immigration, and after all, these well-trained moochers will surely vote Democrat. 

Obama on infrastructure:
Sure there isn't a single business in America that's struggling because they can't deliver their goods to market, or a citizen who can't get to work for a lack of roads.  But I want to spend even more money, borrowed from China of course, into our nation's perfectly adequate infrastructure.  It'll create jobs -- union jobs paid for with your children's money!

Obama on the TSA:
Sexual assault is a joke. Seriously, I think it's funny.

Obama on the War on Terror:
We must continue our wars abroad.  I guess I really shouldn't have accepted that Nobel Peace Prize.

Obama on foreign policy:
We stand with freedom.  Except in Honduras.  There, we stand for Marxist would-be dictators and an attempted coup funded by Hugo Chavez.

Obama on securing the boarder:
We must secure the boarder! The Afghan boarder.  Not our own.